Guess what I have in my hand.
Do I have to call security?
Before you have me tossed in the clink you might wanna check it out.
Uncle Phil's floor seats to the Lakers.
So, what's up, I'll pick you up like 6, 6: 15?
Will, I appreciate you asking, especially three hours before game time...
...but I'm kind of dating someone right now.
You dating somebody right now?
- Well, how come I'm the last to know? - I have my reasons.
Oh, I get it, I get it. You're embarrassed.
Dude is probably some snaggletoothed...
...pie-faced, snausage-lipped, hunchback...
- It's Hank Farley. - Heisman Trophy winning fool.
Tonight's Hank's 21 st birthday party.
Hey, Jackie, hey, come on, girl...
...now, you know that Hank Farley is not your type.
I'm saying, you strip away the shoulder pads and the muscles...
...and the dimples and what you got? - You.
Hey, hey, hey.
Going to the Lakers game, huh, Will?
Well, no, there's been a little change of plans, Uncle Phil. I'm going to a party.
Ask him if he got any sevens, Hil.
Got any sevens, Daddy?
Miss Ashley, ready for your big date?
- Not really. - What's the matter, honey?
Did you ever have one of those days when you just don't feel pretty?
No.
I don't know what to do.
Robert's due here at 8 and I can't do anything with my hair...
...nothing looks good on me and I feel fat.
Oh, Ashley, you look adorable.
Oh, that's real comforting coming from my father.
- That's it, I'm not going. - Ashley, wait.
Look, your date won't be here for another hour.
Let's go upstairs and I'll give you some Hilary Banks beauty tips.
Trust me, I know exactly what you're feeling.
You mean, you've had nights where you felt fat and ugly?
Okay, so I don't know exactly what you mean.
You know, so when I was at Notre Dame, right...
...they put me in the last play of the last game, right.
Of course, when Hollywood got a hold of my story...
...they made it a white dude.
Look, what are you doing here anyway?
Never mind.
I think I'm gonna go have some chips.
I'm gonna... I'm feeling chippy.
Excuse me, excuse me.
- Will. - Hey, hey!
Hey, Jackie! I didn't see you standing in front of the dip.
- Is this guy a friend of yours? - Who wants to know?
Hank, Hank, Hank
And you are?
Where's Hank?
If that was a sorority out there they would know what my name was.
You know, my brother, I was wondering...
...was that the Ohio State game where you fumbled three times?
Yeah, well, I really shouldn't have tried to play with a broken hand.
Well, I played basketball once without a leg.
Then that explains why your jokes are so lame.
Hey, now, was that your call, or did the coach send that in?
Hey, the testosterone is starting to reach a dangerous level.
- Carlton, do you wanna dance? - You wanna dance with me? Really?
I thought there was a chemistry between us.
Ever since the day we met, there was an indescribable something...
Do you wanna dance?
Daddy, I hope you're sitting down.
Well, we all knew that Ashley was, well, cute...
...but with my help, she has turned into an absolute knockout.
So it gives me great pleasure to present:
The new Ashley Banks.
Well, isn't she the most gorgeous creature you've ever seen?
Well, honey...
...she looks like you.
I know. Isn't it great? I can't wait for Mom to see her.
- When is she coming home? - I'm not sure.
She's bowling next door at the Spellings.
Ashley, sweetheart, are you comfortable dressed like this?
Well, Daddy, it all comes down to what Robert thinks.
Ashley, aren't we forgetting something?
I am so proud.
Don't move, I need a picture of this. I'll go get my camera.
Well, Ashley, you look very nice.
Nice? I look like Honey, I Shrunk the Hilary.
If you don't like what Hilary did to you, why don't you tell her so?
I can't. It would hurt her feelings. There's only one thing I can do.
Hello, Robert? Listen, I can't go.
I got stuck babysitting my little brother.
Yeah, me too.
Well, bye.
Okay. Say, "Charge it."
Hilary, Robert canceled on me.
And after all your hard work.
Oh, that's awful. But look on the bright side.
You might have gotten dumped, but you look marvelous.
Ashley, where did you learn to lie like that?
Mom taught me.
Poor Jackie, man. Stuck over there with that clown.
She got to be miserable.
Go, Hank, yeah!
What would it take for me to get a woman to make that noise?
Probably cash.
Hey, you know what, I can't stand to see her suffer like this.
Oh, excuse me, excuse me, Montana, Montana.
Let me show you how we do this in a hip city.
- What's up, man? - What's up with you?
Hank, let me just dance with him this one time, all right?
Whatever you say, baby.
Hey, why don't you go take a steroid break?
Girl, I'm sure glad we got rid of that nut.
You pretty good with your legs, but let's see how you are with your arm.
What?
Arm wrestling? That's a boy's game.
You're right.
Step up to a man's game. Matt.
Look, if this is over me, you can just stop it right now, all right?
This is bigger than you, baby. It's a man thing.
Excuse me.
All right, lightweight, bottom's up.
Freeze!
Will, what the heck do you think you're doing?
- You can't drink. - Why not?
Because you're underage. It's against the law, mister.
Thank you very much, McGruff, the Crime Dog...
...but this is the law of the jungle.
It's chump or be chumped. I know what I'm doing.
A toast to my worthy opponent.
In the words of Public Enemy, "Bring the noise."
Smooth.
All right.
Stop it. This has gotten way out of hand.
What are you talking about, man?
I only had...
...two.
Look, you've had enough. Come on, get up.
There, you happy?
Will.
Hey, look, look, listen, man, listen.
I'm not stopping until he does.
Bring it on, Sasquatch.
Look, I've had about all I can take of this damn thing.
Carlton, would you take me home, please?
Jackie.
Yeah, Carlton, have the valet bring around your big wheel.
I'm ashamed of you.
Look, I'm gonna go take Jackie home. Wait here until I get back.
And you're in no condition to drive, mister.
As a matter of fact, give me your keys.
Hey, hey, what you talking about, man? I can keep my own car keys.
You understand? I'm responsible.
I had a puppy.
What happened to him?
- I don't know. - Give me those keys.
That ain't it.
Just wait here, I'll be back for you.
I hope you're gonna have fun driving my gym locker.
You happy, chump? Jackie left.
Oh, man, that's really... That's a shame.
That's a shame because she's going to miss my tribute to you.
Excuse me.
Ladies and gentlemen...
...I'd like to make a roast to Mr. Stank Barley.
Now, listen, listen. This man is an all-American...
...which don't really matter because we all Americans.
No, but seriously, Spanky here got some moves.
But, he ain't getting no parts of the scoreboard with my girl Jackie...
...because she can see through a chump like you a mile away.
Both of you.
Jock itching, wide receiving, love-to-take-the-snap punk.
Happy Kwanzaa, Crank.
Look at that. I think he's dead.
And you know where dead people go.
Hey, kid, get up.
What's that, Jackie?
You've got an even smaller bathing suit?
All right, Sleepy, let's go. Naptime's over.
Oh, man, I feel like death.
Well, you came to the right place.
What the...
- Are you the caretaker here? - No, I'm more like a tenant.
Hey, you play poker? We need a fourth.
A fourth? There's only two of us.
Now there's four.
Make it three.
Y'all are dead, aren't you?
"Dead" is so politically incorrect.
We prefer the term, "living impaired."
- That's much nicer. - I can live with that.
Am I dead?
Well, there's only one way to find out:
Take the wall test.
The living guys always fall for that.
Come on, sit down.
- Smoke? - No, no, I don't smoke.
Hey, you shouldn't either, man.
I just gave a health tip to a dead guy.
Somebody's been hitting the vino.
Oh, it's tequila. I mean, I was just going shot-for-shot with this football clown.
Oh, drinking contests are Nowheresville.
You wanna prove you're a real man, you play chicken.
Now, two guys drive towards a cliff.
The first one that stops, loses.
That's how I got here. I won.
I'm sorry, let's review here:
You went flying off a cliff.
The guy who didn't is probably laying up under your woman right now...
...and you're stuck here playing eternal poker with no chips.
Nice going, buddy.
Hey, they called me yellow.
Oh, please, Rebel-Without-A-Clue...
...it's kids like you who make me glad I never had children.
So you were married?
Yes, but I was so focused on my career that my husband left me.
I think.
I actually never did have time to read that note.
So, what did you do?
I was in publishing, worked with a number one author.
Very competitive, but I pushed and pushed until I made it to the top.
I liked being on top.
I was a real winner.
Is winning really worth going to an early grave?
You bet it is. Yeah, I always wanted to be the best.
You know, I never even sat down between rounds.
Yeah, I couldn't wait to get back in there and slug it out.
Let me guess. You died in the ring?
No, during the post-fight interview.
The doctor said the next punch could kill me.
A lucky guess.
You know, if you guys don't mind me saying...
...you all died for some really dumb reasons.
Now, that's where you're wrong.
We may have paid the ultimate price, but at least we had everyone's respect.
Yes, their last respects.
Oh, not again.
Yo, Billy, go back to your plot.
That damn kid won't stay buried.
I don't have the patience to deal with him.
Would you mind?
Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.
- Hey, Billy? - Who wants to know?
- Oh, my name is Will Smith. - Can you catch?
Oh, yeah, come on, throw it. Let's see what you've got.
Oh, some arm you got there, kid.
I know, I was gonna play shortstop for the Dodgers.
Hey, maybe you still will one day.
Billy...
...how did you die?
I was playing ball on the sidewalk.
This car jumped the curb, took me out.
The driver was drunk.
Come on, let's play.
No, I'm not feeling so good, Billy.
I'm gonna just chill for a minute.
Will.
Hey, Uncle Phil.
Hey, hey.
You're little.
Don't worry, Ash, there are plenty of men in the sea.
You mean fish in the sea.
No, I mean men, fish don't own yachts.
Look, Ashley, Robert was a jerk for standing you up...
...but he's gonna be sorry he ever did.
Why do you say that?
Because starting tomorrow, not only am I gonna do your hair and makeup...
...but I'm getting you a manicure, pedicure and a mud bath.
People are gonna think we're twins.
Hilary, Robert didn't stand me up.
- I canceled our date. - Why?
Look, I appreciate you trying to do all this for me...
...but it just isn't me.
I mean, I didn't feel comfortable having Robert see me like that.
I hope you're not mad.
Ashley, you're my baby sister.
I love you.
There's certainly nothing wrong with you wanting to look just the way you are...
...you're just not gonna do the volume I do.
Miss Ashley, a young man to see you.
- Robert. Oh, my God, I look terrible. - Stop.
I thought I could help you babysit.
This is embarrassing.
I'm not really babysitting.
You're not? Then why did you tell me that you...
Look, it's a long story.
Tell me about it over some frozen yogurt.
Really?
Let's go.
Well, Miss Hilary, I guess beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
Yeah, right.
Man, how could I make such a mess of this stuff?
Well, not rolling down the window...
...before you ralphed in the Volvo was a good start.
Look, why would you even bother competing with a guy like that?
That dude was trying to play me. What was I supposed to do?
You could have walked away.
That... I know... The...
You know, it's like I was watching myself being stupid...
...but I couldn't do nothing about it.
That must be what Chevy Chase felt like.
I can relate.
Remember last Christmas when I had that second slice of rum cake?
The next thing I knew, I was up on the kitchen table...
...with a lampshade on my head singing show tunes.
Trust me, I learned my lesson, man. I ain't never drinking again.
Come on, I mean, it's a matter of being responsible and knowing your limits.
You know, I almost got in my car and drove home tonight.
Well, let's just be glad you didn't.
Well, I got a lot accomplished today, huh?
I lost Jackie, I lost my self-respect, lost my dinner.
I ain't got nothing left.
Wrong again.
I'm sorry, guys, but I really don't remember my next line.
No, I really don't.
- Is waiting worth the... - Okay, we can just keep going.
We can keep going. We can keep going. All right. What?